Daniil Kharms, p.3
KOLPAKOV, BRAGGART
There once lived a man named Fedor Fedorovich Kolpakov.
“I am not afraid,” Fedor Fedorovich Kolpakov used to say, “of anything! Shoot me with cannons, throw me in the water, burn me with fire—I am not afraid of anything! I am not afraid of tigers, I am not afraid of eagles, I am not afraid of whales, I am not afraid of spiders—I am not afraid of anything!”
One time Fedor Fedorovich Kolpakov stood on a bridge watching divers dive in the water. He watched and he watched, and then when the divers got out and took off their diving suits, he couldn’t hold himself back and so he starts hollering at them:
“Hey,” he hollers, “that’s nothing! I could do better than that! I am not afraid of anything! I am not afraid of tigers, I am not afraid of eagles, I am not afraid of whales, I am not afraid of spiders—I am not afraid of anything! Burn me with fire, shoot me with cannons, throw me in the water—I am not afraid of anything! “
“Oh yeah,” say the divers, “you wanna try going under water?”
“What for?” says Fedor Fedorovich and starts to leave.
“What are you, chickening out?” say the divers.
“I am not chickening out of anything,” says Fedor Fedorovich, “But why should I go under water?”
“You’re scared, that’s what it is!” say the divers.
“No, I’m not scared!” says Fedor Fedorovich.
“Then put the suit on and go into the water.”
So Fedor Fedorovich dove to the bottom. And the divers start hollering at him into the telephone from on top:
“So how is it going, Fedor Fedorovich? Scared?”
And Fedor Fedorovich answers them from below: “Niav... niav... niav...”
“Ok,” say the divers, “that’s enough for him.”
So they dragged Fedor Fedorovich out of the water, took off his diving suit, and Fedor Fedorovich is looking about him with his eyes all savage, and saying nothing but “Niav... niav... niav... o.”
“There you go, man, don’t go bragging,” said the divers and put him down on the shore.
Fedor Fedorovich went home and never bragged ever again.
(translation by Eugene Ostashevsky)
There once lived a man named Fedor Fedorovich Kolpakov.
“I am not afraid,” Fedor Fedorovich Kolpakov used to say, “of anything! Shoot me with cannons, throw me in the water, burn me with fire—I am not afraid of anything! I am not afraid of tigers, I am not afraid of eagles, I am not afraid of whales, I am not afraid of spiders—I am not afraid of anything!”
One time Fedor Fedorovich Kolpakov stood on a bridge watching divers dive in the water. He watched and he watched, and then when the divers got out and took off their diving suits, he couldn’t hold himself back and so he starts hollering at them:
“Hey,” he hollers, “that’s nothing! I could do better than that! I am not afraid of anything! I am not afraid of tigers, I am not afraid of eagles, I am not afraid of whales, I am not afraid of spiders—I am not afraid of anything! Burn me with fire, shoot me with cannons, throw me in the water—I am not afraid of anything! “
“Oh yeah,” say the divers, “you wanna try going under water?”
“What for?” says Fedor Fedorovich and starts to leave.
“What are you, chickening out?” say the divers.
“I am not chickening out of anything,” says Fedor Fedorovich, “But why should I go under water?”
“You’re scared, that’s what it is!” say the divers.
“No, I’m not scared!” says Fedor Fedorovich.
“Then put the suit on and go into the water.”
So Fedor Fedorovich dove to the bottom. And the divers start hollering at him into the telephone from on top:
“So how is it going, Fedor Fedorovich? Scared?”
And Fedor Fedorovich answers them from below: “Niav... niav... niav...”
“Ok,” say the divers, “that’s enough for him.”
So they dragged Fedor Fedorovich out of the water, took off his diving suit, and Fedor Fedorovich is looking about him with his eyes all savage, and saying nothing but “Niav... niav... niav... o.”
“There you go, man, don’t go bragging,” said the divers and put him down on the shore.
Fedor Fedorovich went home and never bragged ever again.
(translation by Eugene Ostashevsky)